There is a lot of stigma and awkwardness attached to using sex toys as a couple. The assumption that a good partner is supposed to be "enough" for you and your needs could be to blame. While it's acceptable to speak about masturbation and sex toys in the same breath, couple sex is considered as a separate activity. But using adult toys isn't a sign of dissatisfaction with your beau but a wonderful way of enhancing your sexual intimacy.
Also Read: The Only Beginner’s Guide You Need To Using Male Sex Toys
Rosara Torrisi, L.C.S.W., PhD, sex therapist, tells SELF, "Sex is the adult version of the playground. It’s where we’re allowed to let go and be playful. And with that in mind, you can use anything you want on the playground, including toys.” If you have never played around with a sex toy alone or with your partner, it can be confusing to determine a starting point. So, here is a step-by-step guide on how to introduce a toy in bed with your partner.
1. Openly talk about sex in your relationship
Sex is meant to be spoken about in clear words. The first rule to a "banging" sex life is telling your partner about your needs, desires, likes, and dislikes - there's no way around it. If you and your partner regularly speak about sex then it will be easier for you to bring up adult toys in the conversation. However, if that's not the case, first try to get comfortable with simply conversing about your sex life. Apart from building a foundation for adventurous sex, it can also promise a much more satisfying sex life as a study from Gottman institute showed only 9% of couples who don’t talk about sex reported having satisfying sex lives.
Christopher Ryan Jones, a clinical psychologist, and sex therapist tells Well+Good, "[Talking about sex] can increase intimacy and provide the opportunity for each of you to better understand what is most enjoyable for you sexually."
So, the next time you're having sex, tell your partner how you felt when they did a specific move or how hot their moans are, or ask them questions like, "Do you like it when I do XYZ (kiss your cheek)?" or "Do you want me to do XYZ (choke you playfully) to you?" Consider them as instant feedback forms, and they will help you learn during and after your sexy sessions. The more you learn about what sensations your partner likes, the more intuitive their pleasure will become to you.
After getting comfortable chatting about sex, comes the conversation on sex toys. A lot of times, we hear about humans fearing machines, feeling threatened that the machines will replace them. Your partner could have a similar fear but let your partner know that using a triple vibrator or any other sex toy is in no way saying that they can't satisfy you.
Kit Richardson, a certified sex educator and buyer for a major New York City sex toy retailer, tells Fatherly, “Sometimes we want sprinkles and sometimes we don’t, but that doesn’t mean our fierce love for ice-cream changes. The way it tastes, the way it feels… we crave it no matter what, That fear is rooted in something more, so talk to your partner about sex toys and your fragility.”
2. Do your research and shop for a toy together
There are endless categories, lists, and variations in sex toys. That is why you will need to sit down and research what will be a good addition to your relationship. Do you want dildos, strokers, nipple clamps, a butt plug, floggers, anal beads, a wand vibrator, or a vibrating panty? It's possible you're not entirely sure how to use these toys. It's also possible that you and your partner have different sex toys in mind - while you may suggest a rabbit vibrator, they could be thinking of a vibrating cock ring.
We suggest you research together and ensure you're on the same page about what types of toys you want to try together and what is off the table. You could either walk to your local sex shop and get a feel of what excites you. Going to a shop will allow you to do a visual and physical examination of the toy and ask the salespeople to answer questions or give buying advice. However, be mindful of asking your partner before discussing the sex toy in detail or involving another person in the conversation.
The other option is to scroll through an online sex toy store such as Try Karte Hai, Gizmoswala, Intimate Bay, and IMbesharam with your bae and make a yes/no/maybe list. This private way of shopping might make you more comfortable with discussing the toy in detail.
Lisa Finn, a sex educator at sex-toy mecca Babeland, tells Well+Good, "This will help you and your partner start to narrow down the type of sex toy you want to try, and get used to talking about it."
3. Get a feel of the toy first
People typically use sex toys on their genitals like using a vibrator to stimulate one's clitoris. Rosa Torrisi, a sex therapist, tells SELF that instead of just their genitals, people should try to explore their entire body with the toy. That could mean experimenting with how vibration feels on the erogenous zone around the nipples and neck or how a dildo feels when gently brushed against your back. According to her advice, “Don’t use a new toy on your genitals the first time. Play with it on your skin along the whole rest of your body and just see what that feels like.”
4. Talk about the first experience
It's likely you won't get it right the first time. Just like your first kiss and first sexual experience, introducing sex toys in coupled sex might turn out to be mediocre at best. This is why you need to keep at it. According to Finn, there is a learning curve to using sex toys in a partnered context, and "if you dropped some money on a toy and then didn't love it the first time, try it again."
She suggests that you can try using it over your underwear, on a different setting, or on a different body part. You could even use lube or arousal oil if you're having trouble with natural lubrication. "Using it while you masturbate may help you crack the code of what feels good to you, too," she adds.
Practice will not translate into results if you don't know what you're doing right or wrong. So, discuss how it went with your partner after a session. Sometimes, it will be awkward but not after the initial few conversations. Do it and then think about it, don't mull over it excessively until you're burdened by embarrassment.
A great way to fight the awkwardness is to use humor and keep the tone light and friendly. You can even act as if what you're bringing up is not uncomfortable to you. This doesn't mean you should downplay or ignore your partner's concerns by saying it's "no big deal" but approach the conversation with excitement and an understanding attitude.
5. Stimulate yourself during penetration
Don't be intimidated by this idea, it is completely normal to stimulate yourself additionally while penetrative sex. Often, people with vaginas find it next to impossible to orgasm during penetrative sex due to the lack of clitoral stimulation. Using a sex toy to feel both, vaginal and clitoral stimulation may be exactly what one needs to reach the big O. You could do it in missionary but it would be easier for you to hold a vibrator while riding on top of your partner. We're sure your partner will be on board with you getting an orgasm if you usually don't get it. You can find the best vibrators on the market here.
6. Masturbate together
Using sex toys together doesn't have to mean using them on each other. You can even use them in a mutual masturbation session to show each other what you enjoy and get off together. Remember that sex toys aren't just for people with vaginas, there are fleshlights and male masturbators for people with penises also. The beauty of mutual masturbation is that it's highly likely that you will reach orgasm as you'd know your body better than anyone does. Also, masturbating together by watching, listening, smelling, helping, encouraging also helps you be part of each other's pleasure. It could be the first time you get to witness your partner's orgasm face.
Your observations can help you use the same techniques and tricks to pleasure your partner or use the sex toy on them the way they like it. Masturbating with sex toys can be incredibly hot, and can turn you on even further as you hear your partner moan in pleasure.
What if your partner is not interested?
Be prepared for disagreements and even a total "no" from your partner about bringing sex toys into the bedroom. You can't and you shouldn't force sex activities on someone who is uncomfortable with them. There could be multiple psychological reasons behind their reluctance towards not experimenting with a certain sexual kink or just plain dislike towards it.
This can be disappointing. At this point, you may need to consider how important this "new thing" is to you, if your partner's rigidity is reflective of a relationship issue or a personal preference. If it's truly affecting your sexual satisfaction or your emotional relationship with your partner, it could be a deal-breaker. However, do not immediately jump to such a conclusion and discuss it before calling it quits.