Submissive fantasies often find their way into the minds of many who would like to experiment! While everyone is up for some fun, there’s a line that separates mild experimenting with kink and the two need to be understood. As enthused as you may be in whips and chains, getting into the space of kinky sex can be daunting. We’ve put together a guide for you, so you are well informed and ready to try all that you’ve wanted!

What is kink?

There are several terms in the kink zone and understanding these is the first step to diving deep into this. Kinky sex encompasses BDSM, fetish and role-play and experimentation that goes beyond the usual.

Carol Queen, PhD, staff sexologist at Good Vibrations, a woman-owned-and-operated sex toy empire says to Men's Health “There is a sense of being erotically overwhelmed that comes along with being restrained, and many women find it quite passionate. Women are encouraged to understand themselves as objects of desire, and through bondage and restraint, there's acting out of that."

What is BDSM?

Popularised by the widely acclaimed Fifty Shades of Grey, this phenomenon has been around for ages. The acronym essentially refers to bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism. A dominant is a person who gets pleasure by controlling the submissive, who gives up all control. A sadist is someone who gets pleasure by inflicting pain on the masochist, who is willing to receive the ‘punishment’.

A top is someone who does the inflicting of pain or performs the activity. They could be dominant or submissive. Whereas the bottom is the person who has the activity done to them, and again they could be dominant or submissive. Switch / vers is when the person switches between bottom and top, and they could be dominant or submissive. A scene is when you have the kinky experience.

When speaking of BDSM, there are several different fetishes and fantasies that people have along with ways of fulfilling these. A few are discussed below.

• Impact play: When a top uses things like floggers of whips to strike a bottom’s body, it is impact play.
• Sensation play: The senses are stimulated using wax, ice, etc. to heighten the sexual experience.
• Rope bondage: An experience where the bottom is tied up and bound and the activity is then done to them.
• Edgeplay: As the name suggests, it involves being on the edge and using knives, or other risky forms of pleasure.

How do you get started with kinky sex?

Now for the question as to how you step into this arena and get it right. If you are a novice, here’s how to incorporate the kink into your relationship.

Talk about it with your significant other

Kinky sex involves the consent of both partners, and thus the first step to bringing it into your relationship is to discuss and speak about it. Sex educator Cassie Fuller says to Womens Health Mag, “There are two ways kink fantasies can go. You can find out this is something you've been missing in your sex life or that the idea was better left as a fantasy."

Having an open dialogue ensures that the two partners are on the same page and there is no grey area or regrets about leaving a subject untouched.

Surprise yourself

It is actually surprising how simple things when done right in the bedroom can be quite the turn on. Spanking, paddles, on different erogenous areas of the body could be the kink you need to enjoy the experience.

Emma Taylor, a sex blogger says "How hard one should spank depends on the person. Always err on the side of the reserve, and gradually build up."

Start slow

Everything in life begins at a slow pace and then picks up speed. So also with kink. Instead of going full-blown into the scene and incorporating several high-end techniques at once, begin with something as simple as a scarf or a tie. Bind your partner with it and maybe get some ice cubes on the scene to take things up a notch.

Once the two of you understand what is your vibe, you’ll can take the plunge and experiment further. Fuller says “A lot of people have this misconception that the person who's in control in life all the time wants to control in the bedroom. But often that's quite the opposite. They want to sit back, relax, and give up [control] to their partner."

Give up control

If you are feeling experimental, you could ditch the fance and equipment and let your partner do as they will. The consent of both partners is vital in this case. This step would mean that you trust your partner to do what they wish to while you lay still and abiding.

Orgasm denial

Yes, multiple orgasms make for great sex. But multiple “denied” orgasms, make for great kink. Experts say that denying the climax can be great to build up the thrill and excitement. “For penis-wielders, this is typically called edging—forcing them to approach the point of no return without actually orgasming,” says Billy Procida, host of The Manwhore Podcast in an article to Men's Health. “Stop that dick from spurting multiple times until you finally have 'permission' to blow your load.”

“For vulva-havers,” she says “there's a great saddle-style vibrator that comes with an actual dial that goes up to 11. Have your partner communicate when they're close to cumming so you can increase or decrease the vibration. When they say, ‘OMG I'm almost there!’ turn the dial back down to a 1—just be prepared to get cussed out when you do!”

When it comes to kink, there’s so much to be experimented with. Rest assured that with the right understanding of your partner, the experience can be pleasurable to both of you.