She looks like a catch. You swipe right. But, what if she does not believe in round Rotis or worse, what if she doesn’t eat them?
Dating outside your culture can be quite a task. Luckily we have Yadhuvir - a dating expert who has been in the field since a decade now. Let’s just say he is the man who will help you find Mr/Mrs. Right and keep them around!
The whims of dating in 2021
“I am not a love guru,” says Yadhuvir to clear up any expectations. “I started this journey to understand women to their core so that I can make India a better place not just for women but for men as well.”
Having been sexually molested 5 times in his childhood by various men, Yadhuvir realised that as a man, if he has been through such a rough time, the situation must be much worse for women. With this thought process, his journey began to understand women, attraction, sex, relationships, dating, and spirituality.
This dating coach says that this generation is highly influenced by movies. “If I ask you who taught you about women and attraction then what will your answer be?” he asks.
Yadhuvir follows this up with an interrogation of just how open we are about topics of women, sex and relationships with our parents. “Men are majorly motivated by movies and the very way they behave with women is learnt from movies.”
What is the biggest problem in our generation?
I have coached more than 500 men who belong to defence background, law, doctors, scientists, investment bankers, entrepreneurs, and million-dollar business owners.”
All of these had one thing in common.
“They believed that women get attracted to an angry young man or one who shows-off his money, goes to the gym and has a good physique or someone who creates a high status or can afford to buy his weight in gold or surprise her with gifts.”
“We need to understand that a man is a provider, a protector, and a lover. These days women can provide and protect themselves but, a lover is missing. Bollywood usually teaches that there is a man who will ‘provide’ this woman with a lot of money first, make her the purpose of his life, and then ‘protect’ her from villains.”
The finale is him expressing his love towards the lead actress by proposing. “This looks good only in movies. But this doesn’t work in reality.”
Yadhuvir says it is the fact that men will spend time and money on women but they won’t spend the same time and money to understand what women actually respond to. “After watching movies, they think they know it. Until one day, their reality gets shattered.”
What is the dating crowd really looking for?
“Some men approach me to tell them about how to attract a lot of women so that they can be in an open relationship and have sex with a lot of women. Some men are looking for a wife and just want to settle down. And some men want to create a solid connection with a woman (Most of these men are scarce.)”
So what are women looking for?
That’s where Yadhuvir comes in.
“I teach men about the principles of attraction which they can start applying in their daily life for instant results.”
“One size doesn’t fit all. Not everyone is looking for the same kind of qualities in a man or a woman. That’s why the advice will have to be tailored according to the character and personality of a person,” points out this coach.
However, he says generalising, most youngsters are looking for a perfect match not because they really want to be with someone but because they see having a girlfriend or boyfriend as a status symbol.
Is it the status that people are attracted to?
Yes and no, says Yadhuvir.
“People are raised in different conditionings where their families have different rules that they have to follow. So this conditioning that’s happening since childhood forms a basic self-image of a person in their own mind. If a person feels that this self-image is incomplete, then he or she will start looking out for a partner to complete that concept of self-image.”
“Today’s youngsters need to centre themselves before finding a partner. They need to feel complete within themselves first. Because as a man, if she completes me then imagine if she leaves me someday, would I become incomplete again? No. We are all born complete.”
“For anyone looking out for a perfect match just so that they can feel complete, they will end up being at a place where they never wanted to be in. This is the birth of a co-dependent relationship where they both are like oxygen to each other. In the end, they will end up depleting each other’s energy.”
How does dating outside one’s culture play out?
Yadhuvir feels that the resistance towards dating someone from a different culture is a belief that has been passed down the ancestral line. “The ones who believe that they cannot date outside their culture, have been heavily conditioned by their family, relatives and friends.”
These kinds of people isolate themselves as they fear that their families will not encourage dating outside their culture. “We cannot blame our parents as well because their parents did the same thing to them. And this way the entire family line will keep suffering from fear and anger issues until someone stands up zooms out, and sees the big picture of what’s actually going on.”
The resistance someone feels to date outside one’s culture is an unresolved issue which has been passed down from generation to generation in a family. This is how this belief becomes a part of family heritage and going against this belief means going against family heritage.
How to deal with dating outside culture?
The best way to deal with this problem, says Yadhuvir, is to understand why do you believe whatever you believe, who gave you that belief, why do you feel afraid to do what you desire to do, why is it difficult for you to express your truest self to your parents?
Is it because you know that they will never accept who you actually are?
“Dating outside one’s culture is not even an issue but if it’s an issue for someone then it’s not their issue, it’s the ancestral trauma that is being propagated. And with you, it can end.”
10 tips to date outside your culture
What about you? Are you planning on dating outside your culture? Are you already seeing someone outside your cultural frame? Here are some tips by Yadhuvir that may help.
1. Educate yourself about Shadow Work by Carl Jung. The term entails diving and going into the deep areas of the unconscious and revealing its fixations. Then integrating these into conscious awareness.
2. Work on inner child healing.
3. Understand that culture is for you. You are not for the culture.
4. Build a true and solid connection with your parents where you can easily share whatever you want. Help yourself to create a nonjudgemental space in your home.
5. If your culture limits you then stop taking it seriously because you are much more than a culture and it’s not serving your purpose in any way.
6. Realise that the beliefs that you hold about cultures and attraction are not your beliefs. These beliefs are passed down to you as ancestral heritage which is like using Windows 95 when you can use Windows 10.
7. Travel and explore different states, countries and cultures so that your brain can get proofs that cultures matter as a heritage to a place but it has nothing to do with love, relationship, and attraction.
8. If you sacrifice your desire because your parents taught you to stay in a certain kind of culture then once you grow old, you will be hating your parents as you will hold them responsible for where you are emotionally and physically.
9. Cultures evolve with time. Take the charge and change the culture you are in if it's not working for you. Trust yourself and your emotions because your emotions are always wanting to keep you safe and fulfilled. Never hate your own emotions. They are your emotions. YOUR EMOTIONS. No one is going to love them except you.
10. The best tip is to find a person who is where you want to be and meet him/her. Get mentored by them. Ask them about your doubts. They will lead you.
“Instead of listening to people who are not where you want to be, find and listen to people who are where you want to be. Because you are going to reach there soon. It’s better not to follow everyone’s advice. Ride on the back of giants. Use the experience of someone who is already there. Find them and learn from them. Carry out a value exchange with them. Give them what they want so that they can give you that valuable missing piece which you were always looking for.”
If you’d like to reach out to Yadhuvir for his expert advice on dating and relationships, you can contact him at email@example.com
He looks like a catch. You swipe right. But, he may not understand your language.