Being shy is never easy. Speaking from personal experience, you could constantly be second-guessing everything you have to say and sometimes, you feel like you can never even have an open conversation with someone. In every relationship, be it romantic or platonic, communication is key. Whether it is openly talking to the other person about something as mundane as how your day went or discussing a problem, open communications always foster stronger relationships.
Especially in romantic relationships, communication helps partners be on the same page and most of the time, in sync. While this may seem like an easy task for some, a reserved person may find it extremely daunting, especially if it’s regarding a topic like what they'd like in bed. The stereotype of being labelled as ‘needy’ is always seen with people who are vocal about their needs. That coupled with how sex and sexuality are seen as a taboo topic in India, could lead to many people developing anxiety about being vocally expressive about what they'd like in bed.
Well, we’ve got your back. This guide has got a few nifty tricks that could help you overcome your apprehensions about sharing what you’d like in bed with your partner. Being shy is not a crime, but when it leads to unsatisfactory sex life, changes have to be made. However, this could make you wonder, why exactly do people find it difficult, to be honest about what they need in bed in the first place?
Why do people find it difficult, to be honest about what they need in bed?
Apart from how being shy could make you doubt yourself and prevent you from speaking out what you're thinking, there could be other reasons to why it may be difficult to have an open conversation about what you want in bed.
One of the main reasons could be that you're not sure as to how your partner would react to your desires. Telling your partner that you want something other than what’s already happening in the bedroom could make you think that it may hurt your partner's feelings and make them feel as if they're not satisfying you. However, the truth is that if the conversation is handled properly (using the tips that we will talk about) then your partner would only appreciate the honesty and likely more open to even discussing their own needs and fantasies.
Another reason could be that you don't feel entirely secure around your partner to let them know what you're truly thinking. Devi Ward Erickson, creator and founder of Authentic Tantra, goes onto further explain this to Bustle. "Asking for our needs to be met requires us to be extremely vulnerable. It requires feeling safe in your relationship, and having trust that your partner will hear and receive you without judgement... [This] can be especially challenging for younger people, who have had less experience navigating the sometimes murky waters of relationships, and are still in the process of discovering a strong sense of self."
Expressing your needs can be scary and sometimes you’d rather choose not to. However, for the sake of a healthy relationship and increased sexual confidence, it is in best interest to have ‘the talk’ with your partner. This guide has tips that will certainly help you start a conversation with your partner to let them know about your needs in bed-
Have an idea about what YOU want (or don’t want)
Before you sit down to have the talk about your sexual needs with your partner, you should be at least aware of what you want. Whether it is that new movie that you saw in a movie or a new kink that your friends have been discussing, having a vague idea about what you're looking for will make it much easier to tell your partner what you’re looking for.
Even if you're not sure about what you want in the bedroom, knowing what doesn't work for you could also be helpful. There is clearly a reason why you feel like your needs during sex aren't being met and even merely knowing what doesn't get you off could help your partner do things that do please you.
In such a situation, many relationship experts advise a couple to explore their fantasies. No matter how mundane or crazy the fantasy, discussing them with your partner could help improve your sex life and maybe even spice things up in the bedroom.
Be comfortable with your fantasies
From a very young age, we have been conditioned to repress our sexual desires and simply participate in martial sex with the sole purpose being to bare children. This could lead to a shy child turning into an adult who is not comfortable with openly expressing about what they need in bed. Apart from a bad sex life, this could also be extremely frustrating to deal with.
Like the famous saying goes ‘you have to love yourself before some else love’s you’, it is imperative that you get comfortable, if not explore, your sexual fantasies by yourself. Whether it is watching porn for the technique, talking to your friends about it or simply seeking some solo pleasure to see if it works for you, getting comfortable with your fantasies would give you much more confidence in the bedroom. Once you do this, you will most likely feel the shyness within you decrease and you’ll be able to sexually express yourself in a much better way.
The days of kink-shaming someone are long gone so whether you want to explore your foot fetish or you want to try out some BDSM moves with your partner, own your fantasy and be comfortable with what you think might get you off.
DON’T overthink about what you want
As a shy person, I can 100% relate to overthinking about pretty much everything. When it comes to more ‘taboo’ topics like sex or relationships, any shy person would think twice about being vocal about what they really think because of the stigma of coming across as ‘needy’.
However, the trick is to not dwell on that thought for too long. Yes, it is important to get comfortable with your desires and fantasies but it is also important to not think about them so much that you start to question them. For instance, if you're into being choked then taking time to figure out if that's what you're really into makes sense, but if you keep analysing a simple desire than you’ll most likely start doubting yourself.
Arhan tells Bingedaily how his overthinking almost ruined a chance to have great sex with his girlfriend. “I did not know it then but turns out, that I have always been having vanilla sex. Once I started reading erotica I realised that the idea of role-playing really turned me on. I was hesitant to tell my partner about it because I was not sure how she would react to it. I was unhappy with our sex life for a long time and it really strained our relationship till my girlfriend sat me down and asked me to tell her what's wrong. I finally opened up to her about what I wanted to try out in the bedroom and surprisingly she was more than willing to try it out. Without giving too much away, let's just say that if I wasn't honest with her, I would have lost out on the opportunity on having amazing sex with her.”
Once you figure out a healthy balance between figuring out your needs but not overthinking about them, the next crucial step is figuring out a proper setting to have the talk with your partner.
Figure out the when, where and how
Timing is everything and especially in a situation as delicate as this. Figuring out when to bring up this topic with your partner is extremely important. Bringing up this topic while you are getting hot and heavy in the bedroom could be counter-productive and may make your partner feel inadequate and as if they're not doing good enough. Pick a time when both of you are comfortable and in the right headache to have a conversation and maybe even stamina to act out what was being discussed.
The ‘where’ aspect of having the conversation is probably most obvious. No shy person wants to have such a private conversation in front of their friends, let alone in front of a bunch of strangers. Pick a place where there is enough privacy for both of you to get comfortable and talk at length.
The ‘how’ aspect of having this conversation is perhaps the most important one. Shy people often find it difficult to express themselves and when it comes to topics like these, the task just becomes much harder. When it comes to expressing what you need in bed, it is best to lay it all out on the table. Be honest with your partner about what you feel you desire and why you feel it is important. It is also important to note that you shouldn't use accusatory statements like ‘you never do this’ instead, focus on ‘I’ statements. For instance, you could say something like ‘I love it when we engage in foreplay more and I would love if we could try more of that in the bedroom’. This way you are not only stating what you need but you are also re-instating their confidence by praising them for what they've already been doing.
Once you figure out these details, you could also use these lines to help you facilitate the conversation better in case you feel like, you're unable to express yourself.
- I would love to see you do this to me..
- I saw this new move in this movie, would you be open to trying it out with me?
- I love it when you *the action* to me and I want so much more of it..
- Do you know what would be so hot?
- How do you feel about...?
- I haven't given much thought about it but I was always curious about trying this out in the bedroom with you..
Hear out what your partner has to say too
A healthy relationship is a two-way street where both partners should be equally satisfied. Once you have voiced what you need in bed, it is important to be understanding and think about your partners needs to. Asking them if they have any particular fantasies, desires or just anything new that they would like to try in the bedroom would only make them realise that you equally care about their needs to. This in turn, would also lead to a much more passionate and stronger bond since the honesty would have only brought you closer. Also, you never know, maybe your partner has been fantasising about the very same things that you have been wanting and this open communication could only lead to much more passionate and satisfying sex.
No matter how close you are to your partner, being shy could prevent you from being completely open with them. However, every shy person has realised that at some pointing their relationship, if they are not vocal about their thoughts or even their wants and needs, it could severely negatively impact the relationship. This is why it is of paramount importance to have this talk with your partner if you find yourself wanting something more than what is already being done in the bedroom.