Let's get one thing straight. I am absolutely not. I knew I was bisexual since I was 14, and I was ready to explore my sexuality since I was 18. I just never knew that it would fail so miserably.
Every single movie I ever watched led me to believe it would be easy. You find a person you find attractive, you go on a few dates, you fall in love and then you find an empty room where you make love. What's so difficult?
Everything. All of that.
I did find attractive men and women, but I never really clicked with any of them. Going on dates just became a formality I had to take part in, and any kind of physical touch was out of the question entirely.
But it was supposed to be so easy! Then why did I have a problem? When I saw my friends hooking up with people they've met just once and enjoying all the dates they went on, I was confused.
Was it just me? So like every other time I found myself in a fix, I googled it. "Why don't I like anyone I go on a date with?" And that's when I entered the unknown world of asexuality.
I stumbled upon an article and suddenly everything made sense, till I met my current boyfriend. I was so sure of my asexuality after hours and months of reading and understanding what it meant, but it all fell apart when I started dating.
Sexual feelings were apparently a whole new set of problems I didn't know I would have to face. But Google was the best friend I never asked for. "I thought I was asexual but I do feel sexual attraction sometimes". And boy did I learn something.
After nine hours of taking "Am I Demisexual?" quizzes and a month of reading up about it, I in fact realized that I am. But figuring it out was not easy, and I still question it sometimes, frankly, being queer can be confusing and utterly tiring.
But sometimes just reading about it can ease you.
So, let's talk about demisexuality!
What Is Demisexuality?
A demisexual person is someone who does not experience sexual attraction to another person unless or until they have formed an emotional connection with that person. It's more commonly seen in, but by no means confined, to romantic relationships.
Now, we know that if you're new to the term, it can get confusing. But we're here to help.
We asked a few demisexual people to help us explain it to you.
"Demisexuality is part of the spectrum of asexuality. Asexuality means a lack of sexual interest in anyone, even their romantic or emotional partners. But, demisexuality is the sexual attraction towards someone you connect with emotionally more than anything else. It excludes appearances and focuses more on personality." Riya, 24 said.
"For me, demisexuality is not being able to establish sexual feelings for someone without establishing romantic or emotional feelings for them." Ishanee, 20 added.
The fundamental factor of demisexuality is the importance of developing an emotional and personal connection with someone. You can be romantically involved but till you've established a strong emotional connection, sexual feelings are not in sight.
Are Only Women Demisexual?
It is a common idea to view women as demisexual and though it may sound rational, it isn't that uncommon for men to identify on the same spectrum.
We spoke to some demisexual men to get their opinion on the notion and on their sexuality.
"As a guy, there is this peer pressure of engaging in one night stands, because you see it around college and you're like 'Even I want to try!'And I did try it twice or thrice, but I just couldn't get it up." Rajeev, 26 told us.
"There is no point if I get into bed too soon with someone, it's not going to work. But luckily I was never ashamed of it, I was pretty comfortable. The peer pressure thing is quite strange because when I spoke to 'the boys', it was a little uncomfortable, but in the room, at that moment it really wasn't." he continued.
"I do know a whole lot of women who are demisexual, and I was kind of thrown off by that you know? Like I thought I couldn't be demi, that's a women-oriented sexuality. It really took me a lot of years to overcome that and realize that sexual orientation isn't subject to gender. Anyone can be queer and it's the same with demisexuality." Jai, 21 said.
"I realized I did not have sexual feelings for people since I was 15 or 16. I had crushes but I never felt sexually attracted to any of them. So my natural instinct was to assume that maybe I was gay. But I was never attracted to men in any way. One of my female friends once told me that maybe I am demisexual. I didn't know what that meant, but I researched for a few days and spoke to people about it." he continued.
"After a lot of conversations and reading, at 19 I realized that demisexuality fits my identity perfectly. So I don't think it's a female-oriented sexuality." Jai concluded.
So Why Are So Many Women Demisexual?
We asked Sameenn, 22, and Pranav, 20, about why demisexuality is often connected to women. Here's what she had to say.
"Maybe they (women) aren't demisexual in the real sense. They could be a little hesitant in experiencing things that their male counterparts don't have any guilt in doing. There is a lot of shame associated with a girl if she hooks up casually." she stated.
"As for boys, he is the stud of the group by the number of people he has hooked up with. I also feel it is our fault since we propagate that shame within ourselves instead of normalizing it." Sameenn said.
"So many people believe that women are more emotional and more 'picky' when it comes to relationships and sex. Sometimes women associate themselves with demisexuality because they also believe the same. It's been conditioned into their systems." Pranav told us.
"While men are associated with being the 'hero' and the 'stud', they are conditioned to engage in sex and be open about it. So sometimes men don't even realize they are demisexual or even asexual. Society has conditioned us into taking up certain identities and I think that's why demisexuality is associated with women." he concluded.
What We Think
It is rather difficult trying to understand your own sexuality. Taking quizzes, talking to people and doing your own research can be time taking but it does help out!
After taking the survey on Instagram, and talking to people we realized that this notion that women are more inclined towards demisexuality is only partially true.
As Sameenn and Pranav explained, women do have a certain identity to keep up with. Their gender roles and conditioning is built in such a way that most women may identify with demisexuality while men move away from it.
While it does stand true that we came across more demisexual women than men, we can only say that sexuality does not have a gender, anyone can identify with a certain identity if they choose it fit.