Gone are the days when sex used to be something we would giggled about. But adulthood set in, and we’re all off looking for potential mates. Some prefer meeting several people along the way, experimenting their way into relationships and perhaps, eventually, finding the person we want to spend the rest of our lives with.
Amidst this experimentation, people learn more about their sexuality, and explore the side of them that was a forbidden territory. And that is an amazing – to be able to open up to someone in a manner so intimate and yet detach, maintaining a healthy and functioning relationship with that person. However, having a slightly conservative upbringing in a country like India, there are a number of us who struggle with intimacy.
In a time when everything is about instant gratification, there are those who wish to be out there, but fear the complications that come with it. A lot of us are in our late twenties and are virgins. When we unload this information on our friends – even the best of our friends respond with audible gasps and yell ‘are you crazy’, suddenly looking at you with condescension, confusion and even pity.
That is the question we wish to ask – is our social validity is not just limited to whether we drink, smoke or smoke up, but also directly related to the fact that we have had sex or not?
The Indian youth seems to have a skewed perception of the world, a widespread idea that the people who make it through their teens without having sex are complete social misfits. Adult virgins are material for joke for comics, and friends too. That’s exactly what the movie The 40-Year-Old Virgin is about, mocking how weird, maladjusted and socially incompetent you must be if you're a virgin as an adult.
Friends who once said they would never have sex for religious reasons begin to ‘get laid’ and tell your gory details of the act. And while you act all cool about it, your insides feel as if you’re missing out on something, At the time, bothers us to the point of feeling insecure and wonder if there was something wrong with us for still being a virgin.
NOT IF YOU ARE NOT READY
It is embarrassing, really. To admit that we have (still) never met anyone in my life yet and view sex as something I wanted to share with someone I really loved. There’s a whole lot of us out there – who call ourselves old school, but everyone’s views on love and sex are different and this is just how the perception has been at all times.
Gradually, you begin feeling the pressure. You begin wondering if there’s something seriously wrong with you – being only one not doing it.
Even for those in a relationship, sex is something they wish to take time with because the emotional, sensitive, introspection factor. Everyone needs and deserves to be in a place mentally where sex is something they are totally ready for. If you still are not, guess what, it’s okay!
Back when we were teens, most of us dealt with school, tuitions, extra-curriculars and whatnot. There was only so much time to have a crush and then forget about it doing the Pythagoras theorem. And God forbid if in college you were a science or arts – the only time sex would be a part of your life would be when you’re studying biology or rote learning to please Mr. Freud’s departed soul. And that’s exactly what it became – a theory, a concept. The idea of intimacy was already met with severe skepticism with no sense of privacy and a family breathing down your neck.
NOT ABNORMALITY, IT IS MATURITY
A lot of us want to wait for someone special. Women, especially like to be intimate with someone they share a connection with, and respect their body, the act and the fact that there has been a whole new level of surrender of feelings on their part to do this for the first time. But a recent breed of players have made this really difficult – both for men and women – to find something real.
It is not even about love. They are two completely different things and yet, it is difficult to dissociate both from each other when you’re raised to value relationships. Whether or not one has had a relationship, or sex, it is self awareness that matters. Knowing what you are and are not ready for is a sign of maturity and self-awareness — not a weakness.
Peers often think that there is something patriarchal or regressive about not having sex. Owning one’s body does means being comfortable with whoever you are in your own skin without having the constant pressure of losing your virginity.
DECSION IS ALWAYS YOURS
The decision to wait can be viewed as a sign of maturity. If one opens up too early, ends up having sex with the person who is not emotionally available can take a huge hit on the self-esteem and the pain of a heart break is even worse for those who take it personally. Sex becomes something bad in their spectrum of life experiences, and can even associate it with revenge or sadness.
Being a virgin does not define any of us. If you happen to be someone who hasn’t had sex yet for any reason – be it religious, not ready, waiting to fall in love, or whatever the reason might be, you are perfectly okay just being you and you aren’t abnormal for not yet being sexually active – even if your friends mock you, call your prudish, people whose sexual advances you reject call you names, or when colleagues snicker behind your back – it is not a race to be won!
Take all your time because guarding your mind and heart emotionally for when you are ready is something you will thank yourself later for. You have all your life to have sex, so it is honestly just waiting for you to enjoy.