As I lay on the bed, shaking and sweating, my partner laid beside me- watching me in a mildly shocked way.
We’d had sex before, but this was the first time he saw me have a real orgasm. I was on Tinder before him, I shall call this ex-boyfriend “Priyesh”. I was a different person, I used to have sex with whoever I found attractive, but if they failed to give me an orgasm, I could always go back home and finish it off on my own. It was easy. It was honest. Cumming was not always the goal for me, it never has been. It was more of me wanting to have sex with the men! Things changed when I met Priyesh. I was smitten, I wanted to be my best self for him- I showed him only the good sides of me for months. The honeymoon phase was an understatement in our case. Like most Desi Couples, we never had the privacy to go/come over at each others’ houses. And so, we booked a hotel room for 6 hours. (For all you horny little twits reading this, book through Brevistay or Stayuncle- and you better carry condoms if it’s gonna be penetrative!)
I didn’t come once in these 6 hours. But this time, instead of telling him, I stayed shut. I carried this pattern on for the next 3 months that we had sex; it was quite strange. Why can’t I tell him? Me, a liberated woman, yada yada, hasn’t gotten an orgasm from sex for 3 whole months?! Worse- I wanted to portray our relationship as “perfect”… which made me want to hide it from my friends, who literally know all about my so-called sexcapades. Then the time came when he asked me, “Is this not good?” He was inside me, but my face was blank. He pulled himself out and asked me if anything was wrong. I blurted out that I haven’t had an orgasm with him till now. He was shocked. His first response was, “I’m so inadequate.”
I was hurt, a little broken that I disappointed my man.
I promised myself to fake better next time. After that, every time we had sex it was the same:
“Did you come?”
“You’re lying, na?”
“Am I not doing well?”Why did I fake an orgasm, over and over with him?
Especially after being so explicit with the rest of the men I’d slept with? The answer’s pretty simple though. I loved him.
That entailed me being directly responsible for his self-esteem, his sexual worth, whether he could satisfy and provide.
I endured the rough, tiring kisses and him not being able to eat me out or even finger me properly, in spite of me teaching him over and over again.
No amount of caffeine and sugar helped with his energy. When he came, that was that. It was clear that sex was now a formality I had to check off once a month. Once, I was on my period, and he refused to have sex with me.
So I said, fine. Let me get it over with. That’s the only time he saw me really cum.
Afterwards, he said, “Why can’t I make you feel that way?”I asked some of my friends if they ever faked an orgasm, most of them said, yeah. They had.
Either to get it over with or so the guy feels better. One of my friends said, “I don’t even know if he’s ever seen me have one.”Priyesh was a great guy overall. He lacked a lot of things when it came to sex and validation. Being with me made him feel good about his body.
I wanted that for him. As an Indian woman, you’re expected to please men. Be it your father, your community, or your husband/boyfriend. Our bodies are never entirely our own domain- they’re to be protected and hidden, used only one man and that too for his pleasure. It’s hard to untrain yourself from thinking on the lines of this narrative. But if I can, so can you!
You don’t owe anyone anything when it comes to your body and your mind.
Remember: You’re not responsible for anyone else’s emotions- but you do owe yourself a good orgasm!