Since masturbation is a solo and highly intimate act, it's difficult to imagine a second person entering the picture. But as you get more comfortable in your relationship and hit milestones such as sleeping in the same bed, sharing clothes, or maybe even letting out a fart in each other’s presence, why not engage in solo sex together?
You must be wondering if you are next to each other, why wouldn't you want to be all over each other? We understand that it's wild fun to engage in penetrative sex or get down with oral sex but often, these activities can become boring and routine. In times where you need to spice up your sex life, watching each other masturbate can give you new-found sexual pleasure. It can also be a great alternative for sex when you're dead tired and running on minimal energy.
Danielle Harel, a sex therapist, tells Women's Health that it can be scary embarking on the journey to mutual masturbation but masturbating together will increase intimacy in your relationship. We know what you're concerned about - "What if it is awkward and off-putting?". It's normal to feel worried before trying a novel activity and straying away from conventional partner sex. This is why we have compiled a guide on how to get started with mutual masturbation and take your masturbation sessions to level 2.
What is mutual masturbation?
Mutual masturbation is when you keep your hands off each other's genitals and rather, watch them pleasure themselves. You're simply a bystander observing them closely as the sexual tension builds up inside of your partner. An alternative definition of mutual masturbation is also that one stimulates their partner's genitals while you touch their vagina or penis. But we're going to speak exclusively about watching each other masturbate - hands strictly off your partner’s genitals!
Why masturbate together when you can have sex?
You might think when the fastest way to reach an orgasm is penetrative or oral sex, why would anyone take the longer route to the destination? Here are some reasons to convince you to take the "long-winded" road:
It's a guarantee that you will reach orgasm: Most people know their bodies better than their partner does. Hence, they find it way easier to pleasure themselves and reach orgasm quickly. Often, partners don't come at the same time or at all - this is especially true for a woman engaging in penetrative sex. As a woman, it can be difficult to experience the big O without clitoral stimulation, foreplay, or intimacy. But since masturbation is such a self-sufficient activity - you can skip all of that. Indigo Wolfe, sex educator and sex toy reviewer, tells Shape that masturbating together by watching, listening, smelling, helping, encouraging also helps you be part of each other's pleasure. So, if your partner hasn't seen your orgasm-face, definitely try this out!
You get to watch and learn: Take mental notes because you're about to witness your partner go reveal their secret techniques, that's if your eyes aren't rolling back in pleasure! What we're saying is - try to observe how your partner likes to be touched and how their hands move. You can use the same techniques and take pride in watching them moan in pleasure at your hands the next time.
They'll finally know what you like: As as you watch and learn, so will they. The kind of grip and speed you prefer to run on your penis or how you tease your labia before entering the vagina - your partner can notice all the small details. It's a great sex ed tool too, as you can watch and learn - a better alternative to verbal instructions. There's no doubt that your partner will upskill and use the new-found techniques to make you moan ever so loud.
You get to groove to the sound of their moans: What is sexier than hearing your partner moan in pleasure? Not a lot of things, we presume. In addition to the sexy music you have playing in the background, you also get to hear the hot grunts, moans, and heavy breathing your bae is making.
Introduce your partner to your beloved sex toys: Carly S, a sex educator, tells Shape that mutual masturbation is a great way to show your partner how brilliantly your sex toy works and how you use it. "Seeing the toy in action may make your partner less skeptical about the toy," she says. While you're using it, try dirty talking to make the act hotter and crank the sexual tension to high.
You don't have to worry about diseases or pregnancy: As long as you aren't sharing sex toys, there's no risk of getting a sexually transmitted infection as mutual masturbation doesn't usually involve an exchange of bodily fluids. (keep in mind: kissing can also lead to infections such as herpes) Additionally, there's no risk of pregnancy which is an added bonus.
It's great for when you're tired or short on time: It can be a good option when you're on a busy schedule and want to climax together. It's also apt for days where you're absolutely drained but still want to spend time with your partner. It's a perfect segue to a good night's sleep - masturbate, cuddle, and fall asleep.
It's special and intimate: Many people swear by overwhelming intimacy created by mutual masturbation. There's something about sharing the most intimate acts of our lives that we don't even talk about with our closest friends. Chances are, it will open up new avenues of vulnerability in your relationship.
How to start mutual masturbation with your partner?
Talk about it: Before getting down and dirty, have a long chat with your partner about it - how you want to start, what setting turns you on, why you want to do this, and what your worries might be regarding the masturbation sessions. Get all the questions out of way and lay some simple ground rules - will you be touching each other? is role-play allowed? can you watch your partner or are you only allowed to listen to them first?
Set the mood: Once you've decided on the key elements, think of the setting and how you can make it sexy. Ava Cadell, Ph.D., founder of Sexpert.com and author of NeuroLoveology, tells Women's Health, suggests dimming the lights, lighting scented candles, or playing some sultry RnB tunes. "Make sure you are in a comfortable and safe place where you can both relax, whether it's on a bed, sofa, bathtub, or on the floor in front of a fireplace," she adds.
Look into each other's eyes: There's no need to speak when your eyes can do all the talking and signalling. Cadell says try looking into each other's eyes while breathing deeply before stripping. This will help you calm down and ease any nervousness about beginning to masturbate together. Then, slowly undress while maintaining that killer eye contact with each other, it will help you ignite the sexual tension. At the moment, you can even tell your partner how attractive they look and what you'd like to do to them.
Get handsy with foreplay: As you're lying naked in front of your partner, slowly navigate through your body with your fingers. Start from your lips, down to your neck, then your chest/breasts, and slowly move down to your hips ending at your genitals. Tease them as much as you want while enjoying the sensations from your touch. This erotic imagery will only make things hotter for your partner and you.
Dive into the main course: When you're ready, caress the area around your genitals and show your partner your aroused penis or vagina. Linger your touch around the area for a while and then slip the tips of your fingers in your vulva or start creating momentum around your penis. Try to keep your attention balanced - watch your partner masturbate but also remember to keep touching yourself as you do that.
Best sex positions for mutual masturbation
Did you think sex positions are reserved exclusively for penetrative sex? Well, they most certainly aren't. Mutual masturbation does not have to be both of you just lying on your back the whole time, you can switch positions each time you do it. Here are the best positions to masturbate together in, recommended by sex educator - Carly S:
1. Facing spoons: This position involves you and your partner lying on your sides so that you're facing each other - eye-to-eye and mouth-to-mouth. You can gaze into each other's eyes, gently kiss, moan into each other's ears, and dirty talk while stroking yourself. You can even show some love to your partner by using your other hand to touch their chest, hold their face, or trace their lips. If your partner enjoys added stimulation, you can try nipple play and use a clit suction toy against their nipples which will mimic the sensation of a tongue. You can also use a vibrator to pleasure each other, some people with penises enjoy a vibrating sensation as well.
2. Makeshift missionary: This is a phantom version of your classic missionary position. A great alternative for when you're on your period or one of you is suffering from cold sores or another sexually transmitted infection. Whatever may be the reason, if touch and penetrative sex are off the table, try a makeshift missionary.
All you need to do is have one partner lie on their back, and the other flip over and masturbate on the belly. You can overlap your legs if you'd like; this position mimics missionary intercourse and can give a similar feel to it.
3. Chest chair: Rather than sitting on your partner's face or vice versa, lean on to your partner like you would on a chair. It's usually best to let the bigger-bodied partner be the chair and have the other person lying back on them. The pressure of someone leaning on you can be relaxing and even anxiety-relieving much like a weighted blanket. It can also remind you of the sensation of being pinned down which some people are incredibly turned on by.
To get into this position, have one partner lean against the headboard with their legs wide so the other person can sit in between their legs and lean back on them. The partner ahead can nuzzle against their partner's chest as the other partner whispers sexy compliments into the smaller partner. If your partner has a penis, just move a little to the side to give them space to masturbate and you're all set.
4. Face-off: This position is intense, a good pick for exhibitionists and voyeurs. You can do it on the sofa or the bed, sit on either end of the sofa or bed, and face each other with your legs spread while you do wonders with your hands.
5. Online sex: For long-distance couples, mutual masturbation is the best way to stay sexually connected. It's a way to keep the chemistry alive until the next time you get to hold them in your arms. But tread this path very carefully and make sure you trust your partner as video chats are a recordable medium. In addition, make sure your video call service allows nudity as some of them like Facebook messenger has banned it whereas Skype hasn't.
6. The simple side by side: The most common way to masturbate is on your back. So, laying on your back next to each other will allow both of you to touch yourselves in the way you're most familiar with. Side to side doesn't mean having distance between each other, you can overlap your hands, interlock fingers, or turn heads towards each other.
This is a recommended introductory position to mutual masturbation if you're self-conscious about masturbation. Your partner can somewhat see what you're doing but won't get a close look at your genitals until you feel comfortable. Once you do, you can sit up and masturbate so they can have a better understanding of your technique. Whichever position you begin with, remember to stay in the moment and focus on the pleasure to avoid getting too conscious.