"I call him my dog," Ron describes the dynamic between her sub and her. I immediately picture an image of a dominatrix walking her male subs on a leash but no, Ron's femdom is far from that. "The label 'my dog' comes from this system of punishing and rewarding. When he disappoints me, he gets punished and when he follows my instructions, he gets a treat - so it's kind of like conditioning a dog," she explains.

Ron is a femdom, specifically a gentle femdom which means that she derives pleasure from the lifestyle aspects of femdom more than the sexual ones. If you're perplexed by the term 'femdom', it's normal - there isn't a lot of conversation about the subject. Femdom is short for female domination - a subset of BDSM (Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission - Sadochism and Masochism) it's a female-led relationship where a woman takes the wheel and exerts her dominance over her submissive partner.

But it's not only about sexual dominance. It's also nothing like the bestseller novel, Fifty Shades Of Grey where BDSM is completely distorted into a shock-value sex fantasy. Yes, the book has hot sex with apparent elements of BDSM (hint: the red room) but there's no mention of the emotional aspect of entering a BDSM relationship. It's a shallow understanding of the community. Before discussing the cultural representation of BDSM, let's take a few steps back and bring our focus to what it means to be a femdom.

Ron starts from the beginning and tells Bingedaily that there are two versions of femdom - gentle femdom which is a softer kink and a harder version which is self-explanatorily more intense. "People into softer femdom are more into the idea of ownership where the female 'owns the sub'," she says and it also involves verbal humiliation (which is pleasurable for the sub) and the domme making decisions for the sub.

Her relationship is currently online as her partner lives in a different city. Initially, she was unsure of communicating on a recordable medium but after she got to know the man better, she trusted him enough to not misuse their interactions. “He seemed too servile to do that,” she says. Nonetheless, her relationship is thriving online as well, thanks to the strong power dynamic they’ve established.

"He's not allowed to text me first" - Ron on the power play in a femdom relationship

Conversations between two partners in a BDSM relationship may sound bizarre or unusual for outsiders as there's a lot of power play in the kink. But this is where the thrill and pleasure come from. Ron, as a dom, has certain rules that her partner has to follow. "He's not allowed to text me first as I like my space and I'm not always in the mindset of a femdom. He, however, is supposed to thank me for texting him," she explains.

"Another one is that he's supposed to call me by my title which is "mistress"," she mentions. This is a common practice in femdom relationships. Other than these simple rules, he also financially supports her in little ways. "When I used to smoke, he would give me money to buy cigarettes. He would also want me to treat him like an ashtray by ashing on his skin," Ron describes. Her sub ends up paying for a lot of her streaming subscriptions such as her Netflix membership as well but due to the pandemic, Ron had given him leeway to refuse financial givings.

Control over a sub's finances partially falls under the category of Findom or financial domination- a sexual fetish where a submissive will give gifts and money to a financial dominant. It can also involve the domme dictating how the sub should spend their money. But Ron doesn't completely indulge in that.

So, what happens if the sub fails to follow a rule? Ron describes one such instance - "Recently, he forgot to pay for my Netflix subscription which was frustrating. I texted him about it but he didn't reply for a week. It was the first time he did that. So, as a punishment, I told him to pay every single request of money that I sent his way. For that week, I was just using him as a wallet as he wasn't allowed to talk to me." As an added rule, she demanded that he check his messages every night regardless of if she has texted him or not. It might sound ridiculous to force someone to check your messages but this setting only enhanced their dynamic which she and her partner enjoyed.

Like every BDSM relationship, Femdom relationships are built on boundaries and intimacy

Being a domme in a relationship isn't about mistreating the submissive or subjecting them to humiliation for the sake of it. It's a consensual arrangement where submissive individuals associate acts of "degradation" with feel-good chemicals and hormones. Partners in BDSM simply play with these societal definitions of degradation and what their associated feelings should be with it. Also, the degradation is safe and pleasurable as the domme makes sure to abide by the sub's boundaries. This is why vulnerability plays a pivotal role in BDSM, it helps people establish trust and intimacy to submit themselves to the relationship.

"At the beginning of most BDSM relationships, people discuss why they enjoy playing the part they're playing and when we talk about such intimate things, vulnerability automatically arises. Either you can be open very early in the relationship or take the time to know the person whichever way you feel comfortable building trust," Ron speaks from her experience.

Diving into a BDSM fetish relationship without trust can be toxic. She warns that there's a high risk of things going haywire when the stakes are so high in relation to the chemical released in our bodies. For example, submissives often experience a 'sub drop' after a BDSM-filled activity. During sex or a BDSM session, the submissive is usually rolling in adrenaline for hours sometimes and when it is suddenly gone, they often experience a severe drop in emotions or mood.

The low can make people feel very insecure and ashamed for putting themselves through degradation and servitude. The dom is supposed to swoop in here and take care of the sub to ease the fall in the mood - this is called aftercare. "As a dom, I heavily focus on this as I don't want the sub to not enjoy themselves throughout the experience when I'm having a good time. A domme can't leave their sub without aftercare, it's quite selfish to do so. They need to be prepared and willing to perform aftercare if they're engaging in intense BDSM," Ron emphasises.

Boundaries also ensure that the power dynamic doesn't turn toxic. So, while the submissive may have consented to have lesser power, the boundaries give them control over how they want to be treated. Also, we'd like to add that the dominant doesn't constantly degrade the sub, they also affirm them from time to time. So, physical affection such as cuddling, complimenting the sub like calling them a good boy or telling them they're doing a good job are all part of it too.

Stereotypes about women that practice femdom

Certain people carry this assumption that if a female wants to lead in bed, it’s because she is emotionally traumatized and compensating the lack of control she has over her emotions by exercising authority in bed. These myths and assumptions often arise from society's disbelief of watching a woman exercise power and also, representations of femdoms in pop culture. But as discussed earlier, vulnerability is the cornerstone of BDSM and any other way to approach it can possibly turn toxic very soon. Still, movie and TV shows tend to stick to worn-out stereotypes and shallow representations.

Ron gives the example of the show - Bonding to elucidate her point, as the show reinforces the stereotype of sex workers choosing their profession due to emotional difficulties and it also glosses over the dominatrix's negotiations of consent and boundaries. "BDSM is not about projecting one's issues on your partner, that's toxic. There's a difference between your kinks and sexual preferences being a manifestation of your unresolved issues," she clarifies.

How to be a femdom

So, you're intrigued and want to feel the power of female dominance? Of course, you do! But adopting the lifestyle and flair of a femdom takes time and learning. The easiest way to start is by observing and engaging with online femdom communities - Reddit is a good place to begin. Ron says that in these communities, people talk about their experiences and offer advice as well. As an aspiring femdom, make sure to read more about the practice, talk to people in these communities and decide on your likes and dislikes as a femdom. Then, find a partner that enjoys female supremacy as much as you do.

If you have discussed the subject with your partner in bed, still start small. Take the lead in bed, punish your partner lightly for misbehaving or make them beg for pleasure and ask them why they desire you. Whenever you want to try something new, be sure to inform your partner about it in advance. As mentioned earlier, a healthy BDSM relationship rests on the ideals of clear communication and boundaries.