Sex

What To Do If Your Partner Is Not Good In Bed?

Whether it's selfishness in bed or partners who are lifeless in bed - bad sex has many forms. But instead of breaking up, try these steps first.

A piece of common relationship advice that we hear is that your partner can't be your everything-person, meaning that they can't fulfil you in every way.

It is easy to accept this advice when your partner is lacking knowledge in certain interests of yours. For example, when your partner may not share your love for sports or not obsess over a poet that you love but you can find other people to discuss the above topics with. However, if you are in a monogamous relationship, it's not an option to find someone else to fulfil your sexual desire.

Bad sex isn't a phenomenon that exclusively happens during casual hookups but can creep in even among couples with strong emotional intimacy.

Pratik, a 30-year-old sales manager tells Bingedaily about his woes with his girlfriend in bed. "I love her more than anything but our sexual relationship is so bad. She tells me that I'm really attractive and what she would like to do with me in bed but never actually does it," he reveals.

"I always have to initiate sex and maintain sexual intimacy while she lays there almost lifeless. I try my best to pleasure her and fulfil all her fantasies but it's never reciprocated," he adds. Even though they have a healthy relationship in terms of emotional intimacy, he can't seem to overlook the fact that good sex is missing from their courtship which makes him question the future of their relationship

Shanta, a 24-year-old graphic designer also feels empty due to her sexually unexciting relationship with her boyfriend. "He barely goes down on me and when he does it's always for less than a minute. I've tried to confront him about it and he attributed his reservations to his anxiousness of not being good enough," she tells Bingedaily.

"I don't mind if he's not good at it the first few times but it seems like he doesn't even want to try," she says. If this sexual dissatisfaction struck a chord with you, chances are, you’re not getting your needs met as per your high sex drive. Moreover, feeling unwanted by your partner can often feel like a stab in the heart even if they’re verbally loving but before you think of calling it quits, consider some fixes to revive your sex life.

Tell them the truth but don't blame them for it

Yes, they may suck in bed and not match the passion you exude sexually but don't give them a hard time for it. Avoid saying, "You're not good in bed" or "You're selfish in bed" no matter how frustrated you are.

A sexologist Carol Queen, Ph.D. tells Bustle that they may not realize what you love in bed. "One thing that might make a person not-too-good in bed in the first place is the belief that everybody is basically alike. All their special go-to moves will somehow work for every single partner, every single time. But that's rarely the case!"

If they're oblivious to your love for getting head, tell them about it and why it makes you feel good. Queen believes saying it kindly will make them more receptive to your feedback.

Watch porn together and learn from it

You're skeptical about this one, after all, pornography doesn't have a very appealing image among people. However, with the right kind of video, you can use porn as an instructional video to teach your partner how to go down on you. One research study even showed that porn improved men's performance in bed contrary to the belief that porn caused erectile dysfunction among them.

The study published in the online journal Sexual Medicine says watching porn is unlikely to hinder someone's ability to have an enduring erection and suggests that men who regularly watch porn may actually perform better in bed because they enjoy greater desire and arousal with their partners. So, head on to your favourite porn website for some visual learning and tingle your desire!

Demonstrate what you want with sex toys

If you're fumbling while telling them what you want or feeling awkward to describe the exact action you want in bed, consider showing instead of telling. With a suitable sex toy such as a dildo, you can show them the thrusting speed, the intensity and have them watch how enjoyable that is for you.

Similarly, you can also ask your partner to practice oral sex on a banana or a dildo until they get the technique right. The only requirement is that you express yourself completely. "Lose your inhibitions and show your partner how to pleasure you by doing it yourself," sexologist and author, Dr Ava Cadell tells Bustle. "Describe for them what you're doing in graphic detail."

Read more: Best Vibrators for Women in 2020

Tell them what they're already good at

Only highlighting their flaws or weaknesses can feel demotivating for your partner so make sure to balance your criticism with compliments as well.

Express yourself during sex and as Cadell advises, "Give your partner compliments about the things they do well. Say, 'I love the way you kiss me,' or 'It really turns me on when you look at me during sex.' Then praise them physically to boost their confidence and let them know how much they are desired by you."

Telling them what you like will also ensure that they repeat those actions again. For example, if you're experimenting with a new kink with your partner such as them whispering in your ear - tell them how it makes you feel.

Go slow and notice each other's sexual desire

Great sex isn't always rough, passionately forceful, or confined to penetrative sex, sometimes it's slow and heavy on foreplay. Sex and intimacy coach, Xanet Pailet tells Bustle that most couples go way too fast and don't nearly have enough foreplay.

If your partner or you have a low sex drive, stimulate each other through sexual touching. Physiologically, sexual touching helps quicken the heartbeat, prepares the genitals for sex, and comforts the person by releasing hormones such as oxytocin that reduce the levels of the stress hormone cortisol.

According to Psychology Today, sexual touch will also relax you psychologically. So, if your partner isn't able to perform well in bed due to anxiety or low self-esteem, soft sexual touch, and a loving embrace can make them feel more at ease.

Pailet agrees with slowing down the pace of your sex as "a lot of bad sex is related to moving too fast and not creating arousal and desire," she states.

Don't suffer in silence or fake pleasure

Faking orgasms, forgoing your own pleasure, or giving them false compliments will only make you resent your partner in the long-term. If you want to have better sex and salvage your relationship, speak up about your sexual needs.

"Remember that most people want to please their partner and are relieved when they get some guidance and feedback," Pailet says. "Don't accept bad touch or bad sex. Communicate what you want in a loving way and open up the conversation sooner rather than later."

However, if you notice that there is absolutely no sexual chemistry between you and your partner, a long term relationship might not be viable.

Mary Fisher, CMHC, psychotherapist and sex therapist, tells Bustle, "The only real red flag I look for is a complete lack of sexual chemistry from the very beginning. If there isn't some chemistry or some attraction to start with, it's very unlikely that it will emerge later."

In the case that you do have good sexual chemistry and physical intimacy, you can with communication and practice reach sexual satisfaction.

"Decide to learn and grow together. If your sexual interests are disparate, you might each consider what it would take for you to explore with your partner. If they are too disparate, it might be time to acknowledge this, in a non-shaming way, and move on," Fisher suggests.

If all else fails, consider moving on

The biggest takeaway here is that your sexual satisfaction is based on how you tackle the situation - if something needs to change, you need to bring it up. Yes, your partner should try to understand you but it is unrealistic to expect them to read your mind and break up with them for not being able to do so.

Before you make an impulsive decision based on your partner's sex performance, be mindful of the fact that the beginning of most sexual relationships is rocky as according to a survey of 2,000 adults-conducted by One Poll and Pure Romance - 6 in 10 people launch a relationship with bad sex. The silver lining is that with a conversation, a little show and tell, and foreplay, you can cultivate a healthy sex life.

However, not every problem can be solved, and if getting an orgasm during sex is crucial for your well-being, and your partner isn't driven to take you there, put a full-stop to the relationship. There’s no point in staying in perpetual sexual dissatisfaction which is only going to make you resent your partner and your relationship.


   

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Sex

What To Do If Your Partner Is Not Good In Bed?

Whether it's selfishness in bed or partners who are lifeless in bed - bad sex has many forms. But instead of breaking up, try these steps first.

A piece of common relationship advice that we hear is that your partner can't be your everything-person, meaning that they can't fulfil you in every way.

It is easy to accept this advice when your partner is lacking knowledge in certain interests of yours. For example, when your partner may not share your love for sports or not obsess over a poet that you love but you can find other people to discuss the above topics with. However, if you are in a monogamous relationship, it's not an option to find someone else to fulfil your sexual desire.

Bad sex isn't a phenomenon that exclusively happens during casual hookups but can creep in even among couples with strong emotional intimacy.

Pratik, a 30-year-old sales manager tells Bingedaily about his woes with his girlfriend in bed. "I love her more than anything but our sexual relationship is so bad. She tells me that I'm really attractive and what she would like to do with me in bed but never actually does it," he reveals.

"I always have to initiate sex and maintain sexual intimacy while she lays there almost lifeless. I try my best to pleasure her and fulfil all her fantasies but it's never reciprocated," he adds. Even though they have a healthy relationship in terms of emotional intimacy, he can't seem to overlook the fact that good sex is missing from their courtship which makes him question the future of their relationship

Shanta, a 24-year-old graphic designer also feels empty due to her sexually unexciting relationship with her boyfriend. "He barely goes down on me and when he does it's always for less than a minute. I've tried to confront him about it and he attributed his reservations to his anxiousness of not being good enough," she tells Bingedaily.

"I don't mind if he's not good at it the first few times but it seems like he doesn't even want to try," she says. If this sexual dissatisfaction struck a chord with you, chances are, you’re not getting your needs met as per your high sex drive. Moreover, feeling unwanted by your partner can often feel like a stab in the heart even if they’re verbally loving but before you think of calling it quits, consider some fixes to revive your sex life.

Tell them the truth but don't blame them for it

Yes, they may suck in bed and not match the passion you exude sexually but don't give them a hard time for it. Avoid saying, "You're not good in bed" or "You're selfish in bed" no matter how frustrated you are.

A sexologist Carol Queen, Ph.D. tells Bustle that they may not realize what you love in bed. "One thing that might make a person not-too-good in bed in the first place is the belief that everybody is basically alike. All their special go-to moves will somehow work for every single partner, every single time. But that's rarely the case!"

If they're oblivious to your love for getting head, tell them about it and why it makes you feel good. Queen believes saying it kindly will make them more receptive to your feedback.

Watch porn together and learn from it

You're skeptical about this one, after all, pornography doesn't have a very appealing image among people. However, with the right kind of video, you can use porn as an instructional video to teach your partner how to go down on you. One research study even showed that porn improved men's performance in bed contrary to the belief that porn caused erectile dysfunction among them.

The study published in the online journal Sexual Medicine says watching porn is unlikely to hinder someone's ability to have an enduring erection and suggests that men who regularly watch porn may actually perform better in bed because they enjoy greater desire and arousal with their partners. So, head on to your favourite porn website for some visual learning and tingle your desire!

Demonstrate what you want with sex toys

If you're fumbling while telling them what you want or feeling awkward to describe the exact action you want in bed, consider showing instead of telling. With a suitable sex toy such as a dildo, you can show them the thrusting speed, the intensity and have them watch how enjoyable that is for you.

Similarly, you can also ask your partner to practice oral sex on a banana or a dildo until they get the technique right. The only requirement is that you express yourself completely. "Lose your inhibitions and show your partner how to pleasure you by doing it yourself," sexologist and author, Dr Ava Cadell tells Bustle. "Describe for them what you're doing in graphic detail."

Read more: Best Vibrators for Women in 2020

Tell them what they're already good at

Only highlighting their flaws or weaknesses can feel demotivating for your partner so make sure to balance your criticism with compliments as well.

Express yourself during sex and as Cadell advises, "Give your partner compliments about the things they do well. Say, 'I love the way you kiss me,' or 'It really turns me on when you look at me during sex.' Then praise them physically to boost their confidence and let them know how much they are desired by you."

Telling them what you like will also ensure that they repeat those actions again. For example, if you're experimenting with a new kink with your partner such as them whispering in your ear - tell them how it makes you feel.

Go slow and notice each other's sexual desire

Great sex isn't always rough, passionately forceful, or confined to penetrative sex, sometimes it's slow and heavy on foreplay. Sex and intimacy coach, Xanet Pailet tells Bustle that most couples go way too fast and don't nearly have enough foreplay.

If your partner or you have a low sex drive, stimulate each other through sexual touching. Physiologically, sexual touching helps quicken the heartbeat, prepares the genitals for sex, and comforts the person by releasing hormones such as oxytocin that reduce the levels of the stress hormone cortisol.

According to Psychology Today, sexual touch will also relax you psychologically. So, if your partner isn't able to perform well in bed due to anxiety or low self-esteem, soft sexual touch, and a loving embrace can make them feel more at ease.

Pailet agrees with slowing down the pace of your sex as "a lot of bad sex is related to moving too fast and not creating arousal and desire," she states.

Don't suffer in silence or fake pleasure

Faking orgasms, forgoing your own pleasure, or giving them false compliments will only make you resent your partner in the long-term. If you want to have better sex and salvage your relationship, speak up about your sexual needs.

"Remember that most people want to please their partner and are relieved when they get some guidance and feedback," Pailet says. "Don't accept bad touch or bad sex. Communicate what you want in a loving way and open up the conversation sooner rather than later."

However, if you notice that there is absolutely no sexual chemistry between you and your partner, a long term relationship might not be viable.

Mary Fisher, CMHC, psychotherapist and sex therapist, tells Bustle, "The only real red flag I look for is a complete lack of sexual chemistry from the very beginning. If there isn't some chemistry or some attraction to start with, it's very unlikely that it will emerge later."

In the case that you do have good sexual chemistry and physical intimacy, you can with communication and practice reach sexual satisfaction.

"Decide to learn and grow together. If your sexual interests are disparate, you might each consider what it would take for you to explore with your partner. If they are too disparate, it might be time to acknowledge this, in a non-shaming way, and move on," Fisher suggests.

If all else fails, consider moving on

The biggest takeaway here is that your sexual satisfaction is based on how you tackle the situation - if something needs to change, you need to bring it up. Yes, your partner should try to understand you but it is unrealistic to expect them to read your mind and break up with them for not being able to do so.

Before you make an impulsive decision based on your partner's sex performance, be mindful of the fact that the beginning of most sexual relationships is rocky as according to a survey of 2,000 adults-conducted by One Poll and Pure Romance - 6 in 10 people launch a relationship with bad sex. The silver lining is that with a conversation, a little show and tell, and foreplay, you can cultivate a healthy sex life.

However, not every problem can be solved, and if getting an orgasm during sex is crucial for your well-being, and your partner isn't driven to take you there, put a full-stop to the relationship. There’s no point in staying in perpetual sexual dissatisfaction which is only going to make you resent your partner and your relationship.


   

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Sex

What To Do If Your Partner Is Not Good In Bed?

Whether it's selfishness in bed or partners who are lifeless in bed - bad sex has many forms. But instead of breaking up, try these steps first.

A piece of common relationship advice that we hear is that your partner can't be your everything-person, meaning that they can't fulfil you in every way.

It is easy to accept this advice when your partner is lacking knowledge in certain interests of yours. For example, when your partner may not share your love for sports or not obsess over a poet that you love but you can find other people to discuss the above topics with. However, if you are in a monogamous relationship, it's not an option to find someone else to fulfil your sexual desire.

Bad sex isn't a phenomenon that exclusively happens during casual hookups but can creep in even among couples with strong emotional intimacy.

Pratik, a 30-year-old sales manager tells Bingedaily about his woes with his girlfriend in bed. "I love her more than anything but our sexual relationship is so bad. She tells me that I'm really attractive and what she would like to do with me in bed but never actually does it," he reveals.

"I always have to initiate sex and maintain sexual intimacy while she lays there almost lifeless. I try my best to pleasure her and fulfil all her fantasies but it's never reciprocated," he adds. Even though they have a healthy relationship in terms of emotional intimacy, he can't seem to overlook the fact that good sex is missing from their courtship which makes him question the future of their relationship

Shanta, a 24-year-old graphic designer also feels empty due to her sexually unexciting relationship with her boyfriend. "He barely goes down on me and when he does it's always for less than a minute. I've tried to confront him about it and he attributed his reservations to his anxiousness of not being good enough," she tells Bingedaily.

"I don't mind if he's not good at it the first few times but it seems like he doesn't even want to try," she says. If this sexual dissatisfaction struck a chord with you, chances are, you’re not getting your needs met as per your high sex drive. Moreover, feeling unwanted by your partner can often feel like a stab in the heart even if they’re verbally loving but before you think of calling it quits, consider some fixes to revive your sex life.

Tell them the truth but don't blame them for it

Yes, they may suck in bed and not match the passion you exude sexually but don't give them a hard time for it. Avoid saying, "You're not good in bed" or "You're selfish in bed" no matter how frustrated you are.

A sexologist Carol Queen, Ph.D. tells Bustle that they may not realize what you love in bed. "One thing that might make a person not-too-good in bed in the first place is the belief that everybody is basically alike. All their special go-to moves will somehow work for every single partner, every single time. But that's rarely the case!"

If they're oblivious to your love for getting head, tell them about it and why it makes you feel good. Queen believes saying it kindly will make them more receptive to your feedback.

Watch porn together and learn from it

You're skeptical about this one, after all, pornography doesn't have a very appealing image among people. However, with the right kind of video, you can use porn as an instructional video to teach your partner how to go down on you. One research study even showed that porn improved men's performance in bed contrary to the belief that porn caused erectile dysfunction among them.

The study published in the online journal Sexual Medicine says watching porn is unlikely to hinder someone's ability to have an enduring erection and suggests that men who regularly watch porn may actually perform better in bed because they enjoy greater desire and arousal with their partners. So, head on to your favourite porn website for some visual learning and tingle your desire!

Demonstrate what you want with sex toys

If you're fumbling while telling them what you want or feeling awkward to describe the exact action you want in bed, consider showing instead of telling. With a suitable sex toy such as a dildo, you can show them the thrusting speed, the intensity and have them watch how enjoyable that is for you.

Similarly, you can also ask your partner to practice oral sex on a banana or a dildo until they get the technique right. The only requirement is that you express yourself completely. "Lose your inhibitions and show your partner how to pleasure you by doing it yourself," sexologist and author, Dr Ava Cadell tells Bustle. "Describe for them what you're doing in graphic detail."

Read more: Best Vibrators for Women in 2020

Tell them what they're already good at

Only highlighting their flaws or weaknesses can feel demotivating for your partner so make sure to balance your criticism with compliments as well.

Express yourself during sex and as Cadell advises, "Give your partner compliments about the things they do well. Say, 'I love the way you kiss me,' or 'It really turns me on when you look at me during sex.' Then praise them physically to boost their confidence and let them know how much they are desired by you."

Telling them what you like will also ensure that they repeat those actions again. For example, if you're experimenting with a new kink with your partner such as them whispering in your ear - tell them how it makes you feel.

Go slow and notice each other's sexual desire

Great sex isn't always rough, passionately forceful, or confined to penetrative sex, sometimes it's slow and heavy on foreplay. Sex and intimacy coach, Xanet Pailet tells Bustle that most couples go way too fast and don't nearly have enough foreplay.

If your partner or you have a low sex drive, stimulate each other through sexual touching. Physiologically, sexual touching helps quicken the heartbeat, prepares the genitals for sex, and comforts the person by releasing hormones such as oxytocin that reduce the levels of the stress hormone cortisol.

According to Psychology Today, sexual touch will also relax you psychologically. So, if your partner isn't able to perform well in bed due to anxiety or low self-esteem, soft sexual touch, and a loving embrace can make them feel more at ease.

Pailet agrees with slowing down the pace of your sex as "a lot of bad sex is related to moving too fast and not creating arousal and desire," she states.

Don't suffer in silence or fake pleasure

Faking orgasms, forgoing your own pleasure, or giving them false compliments will only make you resent your partner in the long-term. If you want to have better sex and salvage your relationship, speak up about your sexual needs.

"Remember that most people want to please their partner and are relieved when they get some guidance and feedback," Pailet says. "Don't accept bad touch or bad sex. Communicate what you want in a loving way and open up the conversation sooner rather than later."

However, if you notice that there is absolutely no sexual chemistry between you and your partner, a long term relationship might not be viable.

Mary Fisher, CMHC, psychotherapist and sex therapist, tells Bustle, "The only real red flag I look for is a complete lack of sexual chemistry from the very beginning. If there isn't some chemistry or some attraction to start with, it's very unlikely that it will emerge later."

In the case that you do have good sexual chemistry and physical intimacy, you can with communication and practice reach sexual satisfaction.

"Decide to learn and grow together. If your sexual interests are disparate, you might each consider what it would take for you to explore with your partner. If they are too disparate, it might be time to acknowledge this, in a non-shaming way, and move on," Fisher suggests.

If all else fails, consider moving on

The biggest takeaway here is that your sexual satisfaction is based on how you tackle the situation - if something needs to change, you need to bring it up. Yes, your partner should try to understand you but it is unrealistic to expect them to read your mind and break up with them for not being able to do so.

Before you make an impulsive decision based on your partner's sex performance, be mindful of the fact that the beginning of most sexual relationships is rocky as according to a survey of 2,000 adults-conducted by One Poll and Pure Romance - 6 in 10 people launch a relationship with bad sex. The silver lining is that with a conversation, a little show and tell, and foreplay, you can cultivate a healthy sex life.

However, not every problem can be solved, and if getting an orgasm during sex is crucial for your well-being, and your partner isn't driven to take you there, put a full-stop to the relationship. There’s no point in staying in perpetual sexual dissatisfaction which is only going to make you resent your partner and your relationship.


   

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Good News : September 23rd

Apart from cricket, there’s a lot of other good stuff that happened this past week as well.! So, here’s your weekly dose of positive, wholesome, non-negative, not-for-profit, legitimate headlines… Well, you get the point.