Ghosting is not uncommon in our times. Where dating apps have begun to have their own cult following and blocking someone is synonymous with having them shut out of your life, never to see them again, millennials have gotten accustomed to ghosting and being ghosted. With this trend, come the perks of avoiding awkward last conversations that earlier generations had to deal with, but also uncertainties and anxiety. New to this phenomenon, however, is being ghosted by the ex. How does that feel, and why is it close to having your heart broken once again? We explore.

What does ‘ghosting someone’ mean?

Ghosting means disappearing in simple terms. When you are in a love relationship or in a friendship and you or the other person disappears suddenly without an explanation or a last goodbye it is ghosting. The person doing the disappearing act is said ‘to ghost’ the other. While the one on the receiving end is said to ‘have been ghosted’.

All forms of contact are cut off and messages are not replied to, as are calls not taken. The person on the receiving end may have to deal with a multitude of mental issues including anxiety, as ghosting usually means an end to a relationship without closure and thus there are many loose ends.  

Being ghosted by an ex is an altogether different kind of pain.

Why is being ghosted by an ex distressing?

Having anyone you are in a relationship with, disappear, is distressing as it leaves you clueless about whether the person has left because they are upset or simply because they do not wish to continue speaking.

When a  relationship ends, the two people may choose to never speak and cut all forms of contact, or they may decide to be friends if things have ended mutually. In the case of the latter, there is often the downside of being ghosted, and this can play on one’s mind as the reason is unknown and thus there is cause for speculation. Pennsylvania-based psychologist Jaime Zuckerman says in an article to The Mic, “The connection was familiar and dependable. Sudden and unexpected termination of the friendship can feel like a betrayal and total disregard for the other’s feelings.”

Why does being ghosted hurt?

The reason that this hurts is that there are feelings of being shunned that come with it. Being ignored hurts, no matter the relationship or the kind of intimacy it had. This form of emotional cruelty has a severe impact on mental health. In addition to this, the feeling of being ignored after having bared your vulnerabilities in front of someone is what makes the hurt worse.

Being ghosted by an ex can be traumatic as you just never know if they were always looking to find a way out, or if they just did not feel the need to have you in their life any longer. But there are ways to deal with this without letting the weight of these emotions wear you down.

How do you deal with being ghosted by an ex?

You shouldn’t feel like you are the one to blame, say experts. Being ghosted is not your fault. Boston-based counsellor Sam Nabil was to The Mic. “A person ghosts because they just don't know how to be upfront with their emotions. The ones who do the ghosting use it as a psychological tool to protect themselves. For them, it's easier to disappear rather than to undergo complicated relationship dynamics. People may ghost because they have low self-esteem, are struggling with mental health, or have an insecure attachment style — that is, they’re afraid of losing someone, so they keep themselves at a distance.”

So how do you proceed? Here are some things that you can do when feelings of anxiety creep in.

Don’t blame yourself!

When someone leaves without giving you an explanation, it is easy to come to the conclusion that you are to blame or that the fault lies in you. But this is exactly territory you should be avoiding. A cognitive distortion is what you should be avoiding, wherein you have an exaggerated negative response to a certain situation. This could involve things like isolating yourself from everyone or coming to the conclusion that you are to blame.

Self-care is the best

Elena Klimenko, MD, an Integrative Medicine Specialist says to Very Well Mind that “In traditional Chinese medicine like acupuncture, the heart meridian—which starts at the heart and runs to the armpits, then down each arm—is responsible for heartfelt matters and some deep emotions. Proper acupuncture treatment can also facilitate recovery and take the edge off the difficult feelings."

Meditation

Stop ruminating, and going over the same thing in your mind repeatedly. Meditate or use an app if needed that will help you avoid these feelings, and give you the mental space you need to breathe and calm down.

       

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